Flailing at retirement
. . . and discovering an appreciation of nothingness
When I retired, the big question I faced was “What am I going to do with my time?”
Frankly, I was envious and even a bit frustrated with others who had their answer in mind long before they retired. Many had hobbies or projects that would flourish with the investment of time and energy. Others had plans for new careers that required a re-imagination of their gifts.
I had always thought that I would spend my time writing. Stringing words together had always been part of my work and I expected to spend my days producing ideas and stories.
Yet, that really hasn’t worked out like I had envisioned.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
— Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain), Author and Humorist
I have slowly begun to see that the beauty of my unfocused retirement is the way that it unfolds naturally.
A story about white water rafting could prove helpful. With paddle in hand, you ready yourself for the rapids ahead. Adrenaline pumps as you respond to the currents and the jagged outcroppings of rock along the way. The water refuses to let go of you and visits the additional discomfort of joining you in the raft, soaking you to the skin and with a certain bit of misery. And then, when you think that you can’t hold on any longer, you are deposited into a calm pool of water. The sun begins to warm and dry you. And you have this sudden appreciation of the quiet nothingness of floating along with the current.1
I have this feeling that I’m in that placid stretch of river. I can appreciate the comfort of the sun. And I can see, perhaps for the first time, the choices and blessings that nothingness brings. I’m free to do things that I never had time to do. And some that I would never have chosen intentionally.
“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
— Bill Watterson, Creator of ‘Calvin and Hobbes’
There is no longer an urgency. No need for a bucket list. The truth is that I am finding contentment in just being. I haven’t lost my drive to discover my ultimate purpose. I just don’t have to rush things anymore.
“Jesus, as a teacher, largely talked about what was real and what was unreal, what was temporary and what would last—and therefore how we should live inside of reality. It required humility and honesty much more than education. In a thousand ways, he was saying that God comes to us disguised as our life.”
— Father Richard Rohr
Perhaps the greatest of all things in retirement is embracing life with contentment in that calm pool where we enjoy nothingness and, perhaps, meet our Creator. Even if the next set of rapids is around the bend.
It’s a good story, but it isn’t mine. I’ve never been rafting a day in my life. Yet, through the giftedness of writers and movie directors, I have a vivid idea of what it could be like.
I felt the same way when I retired. I felt rather lost, just floating along, after years of having an important role in the CRF office. I miss the schedule, the purpose, the satisfaction of helping people around the world by helping to provide them with food, education, medical care and the gospel. Slowly but surely I’m settling into this new norm and finding ways to help others, including family members.
...been there, Joey. When I retired I too wanted to spend my time writing and doing a little traveling. But I think with age the edge that's needed for writing may have worn down a bit. Of course, once savings got low Sarah and I took part time jobs, which answered the question, "What am I going to do now?" But I am learning to let the day call the shots.